As Illusions Dissolve
Today I’m feeling the flow of just being and reflecting, as opposed to analyzing and mulling. Lord knows I do love a good mull! Maybe next time.
I woke up and slid right into my morning meditation with ease, reflecting on my soul’s resilience. There’s a quote that goes: “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” No one truly knows what we go through internally on our own personal growth expeditions better than we know ourselves, so I think some days it’s important to celebrate how far you’ve come because only you know how far that really is (and what you conquered in order to get there), even if it means just taking a few minutes to vibe in deliberate gratitude.
From The Sedona Deck & Oracle Cards by Kathleen Gabriel
It’s no secret by now that I believe creativity is directly related to the Divine (God, the Universe, our higher self…). I’ve been thinking about the concept of “having the answers within” lately, and just how special an opportunity we’re given when we are able to touch those answers with something creatively tangible, like a song or poem or screenplay, etc. Sometimes these things can give us clues to our lives before we fully even grasp our desired direction. They’re like little roadmaps Spirit is gifting us to assist us on our journeys when we stand at a crossroads. A compass back to our own heart. It’s up to us to be mindful of this loving communication. And sometimes that takes time.
I go through moments in my life when I feel confused or I can’t quite understand just what I’m feeling (or I’m not ready to accept what I’m feeling) until I pick up my guitar and a new song awakens to flat out tell me. My own song will sing back to me what I couldn’t work out in my head—my jumbled foggy thoughts having morphed into a crystal clear melody. The clarity came from within, but it’s like it had to go through the proper layers to rise up to the surface and be integrated in an organized way (verse-chorus-verse…) for me to truly comprehend it.
This is why it’s so important to me as an artist to be open to allowing a song (or poem or whatever) to “write itself.” I can always go back and edit away if needed, but the initial birth of creativity is a sacred experience that I don’t want to stand in the way of while it’s happening. If I do, that’s when I struggle to “hear” the answers. Or the true messages will be lost and I’ll be left standing at that crossroads while I scratch my head, not knowing which road to take, tumbleweeds rolling past me.
In a way, I can look at my guitar or my pen or my computer keys as a personal telephone to my higher self. There have been times when I’ve talked to God in prayer or meditation and seemed to have just gotten crickets in return. But then I’d pick up my guitar, and someone ends up answering the phone (AKA lyrics will form). Sometimes the message can even come as a surprise to me like, why did I just sing that? I don’t feel that way! Do I? It’s a perfect symbolic (and sometimes literal) journal prompt. Something to examine on a deeper level. And exploring it may end up leading to an understanding that I maybe never would have received if I didn’t pick up the phone (AKA my guitar) and make the call in the first place.
One time I was telling a friend about something I was feeling and she asked, “How do you know?” and without hesitation I answered with my reasons, and then wrapped up by saying, “And because I keep writing songs about it!” I suppose I’ve been writing songs long enough now that I know to trust the gravity of their messages.
Although I’ve mostly been talking about the creative process in real time here, it’s also interesting to look back on something that I previously created and see hints of truth that I couldn’t see at the time when I wrote it. I’m thinking about this specifically now because I was flipping back through some poems I wrote in the past year or two, and certain messages stick out to me now that make a different kind of sense in retrospect, but at the time of writing them I thought they were just emotions to release—just words to vent.
But if we truly do have all the answers within, which I believe that we do (it just takes some uncovering and allowing to receive them), are they ever really “just words”? And what if the same words have double or triple (or more) meaning, depending on when you write and read them? I’m not just talking about hindsight, but actual hidden clues from your higher self that are woven into a creative work, revealing additional meaning to future-you.
Maybe sometimes we need to dip in and out of inspiration in order to allow creativity to just BE rather than DO. And it’s only then that we can gain the clarity to connect the dots of its expansive messages. Perhaps confusion is part of being in the cycle. Discernment is another phase. The cycle of being and doing is the therapy our soul needs for generating our power from our pain.
That pretty much makes creativity a never-ending opportunity for alchemy. It’s like endless answers to an infinite amount of questions, aligning to our level of present growth (whatever peak or valley of the cycle we’re currently experiencing). It’s like the gift that keeps on giving to our spiritual elevation. We gain some clarity and are lifted higher. We take some steps back and ask the same questions. We digest the answers with a newly acquired awareness from the last level we were on, and we carry on up again.
Taking a song as an example, during the initial creation process, there is an element of healing—sometimes just getting words out is transforming pain into freedom. Sharing a song once it’s finished can be another form of alchemy altogether—expressing what’s alive in you to someone else in words that derived from a higher source within (quite literally giving a piece of your heart to another). And looking back on a song that was written in the past might deliver a completely different message to the present-you, offering a whole new layer of healing after you’ve had time to gain wisdom from further experience since writing the song initially. After all, as we grow we become different versions of ourselves, earning new lenses of perspective to look through. An owl with new prescription glasses, if you will. Ha!
So creativity is a means of healing, but with time and wisdom, the same creativity becomes something new. The cycle can coil you into a new level of understanding and expansion, again and again and again. And maybe your higher self knew this all along. One song; one continuous evolution.
Creativity being a boundless gift makes so much sense too since the Universe loves us beyond probably what we’re even capable of understanding. So I can see how it would enjoy packaging up little clues in creative treats for us to unwrap as we move forward on our path, seeking new levels of answers. Kind of sweet!
Whoops, looks like I ended up doing a little bit of mulling after all. I guess I just can’t help myself!
But it’s the perfect segue into my final thoughts. I recently came across a short poem I wrote back in August 2019 titled “As Illusions Dissolve.” A word stuck out to me in the poem: “vortex.” About nine or so months after I wrote this, I started getting an inner pull to go to Sedona, Arizona, and that’s when I first learned about the area’s energy vortexes.
It wasn’t until a whole year after writing this poem that I visited Sedona for the first time in September/October 2020 and experienced the beauty and magic of those vortexes. It was the place where I had many epiphanies on my spiritual journey and ultimately returned to my own heart after a long trek through inner shadows. So my breath definitely drew in when I recently revisited this poem (I hadn’t read it since I wrote it) and saw the word “vortex.” Sure, one could say it’s just a coincidence. But I recognized it as a divine message. A sweet treat!
Vibing at Bell Rock - a vortex in Sedona, AZ
It’s like my soul always knew I was meant to go to Sedona. Now I can see this poem was like a prelude to an intense healing journey for me, all culminating with my trip to Sedona where I ended up finding many answers within, which I was seeking (predicting) in the prior autumn season.
And the cool thing is, my inner cartographer was apparently working away on creating my customized map from the beginning, giving me gentle pushes, pointing my compass confidently through written words like this poem. Sun shining through fog. Knowing the way all along.
No matter how deep we may try to bury it, how much we may try to deny it, we always have the answers because at the absolute core, the answers are within us. It takes some time to peel back the layers and indeed allow the dissolution of illusions, but the truth is nevertheless always there. It is our essence. Spirit will keep delivering the answers through breadcrumbs like song lyrics or poems, it just takes courage to listen. And it takes time and love to accept.
It’s always a trip to read lyrics or poems I wrote as a different version of myself. I’m not the same me presently when I’m reading something that past-me wrote, and in that oddity, I find both a vast disconnection (two me’s) and a magical reconnection to myself (the same me). Mostly, I find gratitude. If I hadn’t been the me then, I wouldn’t be the me now. And if I hadn’t written something from the viewpoint of my prescription glasses then, I wouldn’t have a newfound understanding of it from the lenses I’m looking through now.
I’ve come to find there’s some potent medicine in my pen, which when taken in doses over time can be extremely restorative. The ink that gives me inklings… Clarity through confusion via creativity. We can try to run and hide, but our inner knowing will always find us (or we find it?), sometimes leaking out its knowledge and guidance into creative potions that we can choose to drink at our own sweet risk.
So maybe you never know the extent of your resilience until your soul tells you to pick up a pen and write a poem that ultimately nudges you towards the great unknown; uncharted territory where the map will be outlined once you take those first little steps off life’s figurative cliff—the only place where you’ll find out exactly how strong you really are.
—
As Illusions Dissolve
Fighting the current,
Afraid that I’ll drown
Waves of change tow me under,
Encouraging me down
But I made my plans
And I had a routine
No, I wouldn’t change it,
To unsee what I’ve seen
Still, the longer I resist,
The faster I run
Struggling to stay ahead
Of expectations coming undone
Picking up the pace,
Trying not to fall down
The cracks splitting open
In what I thought was solid ground
Too awake, too dizzy, to turn back
But now where am I bound?
Running from the walls I built in fear
Crumbling without a sound
Pleading for guidance,
But here it’s always been
Screaming silently in the vortex
Knowing it all within
Can I let go, warped from riptide?
My stubborn grip vanishing strong
Faced with the face
Before I layered the masks on
Played it safe, hid so long
To avoid pain, pleasure, life
And now no one sees me
As I stare up at a fiery pink sky
